Wedding Singer – What the first dance track says about you...

I’ve just come back from a family wedding. It was on an Apple farm in South Africa and had a Mexican fiesta theme which would explain why the celebrations lasted three days! Happily the ‘down Mexico way’ groove was limited to the food, drink and decor – I am happy to report there wasn’t a mariachi band in sight, though judging by some of the porn-star moustaches and kick-ass cowboy boots a few of the guests might have interpreted the theme sartorially! Probably distant relatives on the groom’s side...

The festivities kicked off with ‘Tonight’ by the Black-Eyed Peas. It was a perfect song, because captured the happy, infectious vibe that was the hallmark of the party and was totally matched with the fun-loving couple in question. They were generous enough to want everyone to share the first dance. But it got me thinking about the way in which other newlyweds celebrate their nuptials and choose their first song.

Choosing the first song at a wedding probably causes as much grief as the wedding preparation itself. Best man. Check! Flower girls. Check! Inviting Auntie Doris. Check! First dance music...Oh crap! Otherwise sane couples suddenly become obsessed with the right tune. Is it the first song you danced to when you met? When you kissed for the first time? When you realised it was serious?

Instead of just being a song, the first dance suddenly becomes the focal point for your entire life together. Be warned. This sort of malarkey always comes back to bite you in the butt! I remember a particularly dire wedding where the bride and groom danced to ‘I will always love you’ and then divorced six months later! I suppose that’s what you get for listening to Whitney Houston!

So, in the spirit of all things to have and to hold, here are the top five songs I’d pick for a wedding.

Song #1: ‘Stand by your man’ by Tammy Wynette

Good for: Country & Western weddings

Why: You know it’s gonna end in tears. He’s a hard drinking, tobacco chewing cowboy with bandy legs and a Jack habit. She’s the local homecoming queen who likes knitting toilet roll covers and really should have married the head of the glee club. Might as well get used to the heartache now, missy!

Song #2: ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ by Keri Hilson

Good for: zero talent celebrities like the Kardashians

Why: So convinced are these attention-seeking nobodies that they are god’s gift to humanity, no other song will do. And no, we do NOT want an exclusive (exclusive...aka they tried to sell the pics to Vanity Fair but were rejected) wedding CD free with our copy of Hello! Magazine.

Song #3: ‘I wanna be your boyfriend’ by The Ramones

Good for: Punk Weddings

Why: Punks are notorious for being anti-establishment, so they wouldn’t be wedded to the idea of matrimony (no pun...or punk...intended). If the bride is wearing bin bags and the groom spits on the rings to seal the deal, then this is what you’ll find playing in the mosh pit!

Song #4: ‘Why’ by Annie Lennox

Good for: Bella and Edward types

Why: This is the moment the love-struck human realises that vampires don’t have blood-flow and therefore are as dead as a dodo in the trouser department – I guess the honeymoon will turn out to be a bit of a disappointment, then!

Song #5: ‘All the love in the world’ by Louis Armstrong

Good for: romantics everywhere

Why: Because I’m not really that cynical about modern romance. And every girl is allowed at least one soppy song at her wedding!